when i take off the pretty-things, the push-up bras and lacey things, the clothes that hide me from myself — when i strip off the disguise, I see myself. Probably more clear than I have in a long while. My body is not filled out like the shirts lie, ‘sexy’ like the cleavage and “fake” breasts lie. Abnormally flat and hidden bones under clever pairs of shorts and sweats that have known me in ‘better times’.

It’s a disguise for myself, to myself, that I often ignore all too greatly, that it startles me when i see - when i am able to see - it. How did you do this to yourself, girl? What pushed you so far, child? To become a child-figure of a woman.  Alien and foreign and nausea and new to the touch every day, a new angle a new curve a new worry.

Hidden in a bulk that lullabies your worries, that it is fine. To worry at night, and disregard during the day - to take your anger on your body and mind and cover it from yourself, and cry and shame yourself when others take notice. they can see it? or are they exaggerating? i can’t see it. but when i do, the sun is gone and people are asleep and no one wants to be woken up by a Something that might be a little mad. 

To just want to say I’m scared and don’t mean to , but I can’t stop. I hate it all and i can’t stop. And I hate the way it saps my life and makes me a monster and makes me a child and makes me nothing and I can’t stop. To hold me till it’s gone and I see the fear I need to see. To hold me and love me and please just love me for what I still am. I hope you see who I still am.

(via xrvchel)

My anxiety is so bad tonight. Wicked palps and nervous feelings and just badness. Definitely having my last snack and taking my Xanax.
Tomorrow I’m going out for a bit and gathering my nerve not to back out. It will be good it will be good.

It’s going to be so beautiful this week, I know I need to soak it up and let it heal me.

recovery4me:

The simple truth is, not every fight can be won.

Chamomile and yogurt.
Melatonin double dose and 8potassium.

believeinrecovery:

1. First, acknowledge your fear. This is a huge first step. If you do just this today, you’ve done something great. Many of us have these fears, but they are at the back of our mind, unnoticed, unacknowledged, as we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. But they are there. And they affect us. So acknowledge the fear.

2. Write it down. What’s your fear? Write it on a piece of paper. Writing it down takes the fear from the dark lurking places in the back of your mind, where it has power over you, out into the light of day, where you have power over the fear.

3. Feel the fear. Recognize that you’re not alone, that we ALL have these fears. There’s nothing wrong with having this fear. Allow yourself to feel it. It’s a part of you, but it doesn’t control you. Remember you can “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

4. Ask yourself: what’s the worst thing that can happen? Often it’s not as bad as we think. Do you fear being rejected by someone? What would happen if you were? You’d lick your wounds, you’d find someone else, and you’d go on living.

5. Just do it. To beat the fear, you have to just do it. Ignore your fears and just go for it!

6. Be in the moment. Fear of failure (and other similar fears) are fears of the future. We get caught up in worrying about what might happen. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment.

7. Small steps. Start small. Do something you know you can do. Allow yourself to feel good about that - and then take another small baby step. Keep doing this …

8. Celebrate every success! Make a note of every single thing you do right, even the smallest little thing. Use this feeling of success to propel yourself forward and take the next step. Then keep building on each previous success ….

i really really need better outlets. i’m scared to go to sleep.

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