Hahaha nightmares and early palpitations anyway. Super great night totally.

Read More

so painfully over today.

believeinrecovery:

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and inferiority.

Put another way, social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression. If a person usually becomes anxious in social situations, but seems fine when they are alone, then “social anxiety” may be the problem.

A specific social anxiety would be the fear of speaking in front of groups, whereas generalized social phobia indicates that the person is anxious, nervous, and uncomfortable in almost all social situations.

People with social anxiety disorder usually experience significant emotional distress in the following types of situations:

• Being introduced to other people
• Being teased or criticized
• Being the center of attention
• Being watched while doing something
• Meeting people in authority (“important people”)
• Most social encounters, especially with strangers
• Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something

The physiological manifestations that accompany social anxiety may include intense fear, racing heart, turning red or blushing, excessive sweating, dry throat and mouth, trembling, swallowing with difficulty, and muscle twitches.

Constant, intense anxiety that does not go away is the most common feature.

People with social anxiety disorder know that their anxiety is irrational and does not make “head” sense. Nevertheless, “knowing” something is never the same thing as “believing” and “feeling” something. Thus, in people with social anxiety, thoughts and feelings of anxiety persist and show no signs of going away despite the fact that socially-anxious people “face their fears” every day of their lives.

Source: http://www.social-anxiety-network.com/define.html (abridged)

perfect. i wish people would just learn that social anxiety is not the same as being shy or even extremely shy. I’m a very outgoing personality, friendly, lively, and bubbly — in fact I know others with social anxiety that are the same as myself — but i cannot explain how badly my social anxiety has affected my childhood before i even knew what anxiety was, my adolescence and still in my adulthood I struggle with it at work, in other social settings, over the phone — etc. It might have gotten a little better through the forcing that my job demands me to have to have that social interaction, but it is still fucking up my ability to live that 150% carefree i wish i had. It’s not just ‘me being shy’ it’s not just ‘needing to speak up’. Even though I see and speak to over 100 people daily, it still feels as though I’m going to explode if I have to do it again, but I don’t. So you truck on as it’s all you can do.

But please educate yourself, if you don’t know, don’t understand, or even if you THINK you know what social anxiety — or ANY anxiety is, and you aren’t sure.

my friends are posting pictures of their new babies all over facebook with all their fanfuckingtastic mommy stories and i’m over here like “Look at my princess cat isn’t she so amazing! I got her a new organic kitty food that she just LOVES I’m the best mom ever ♥”

NO BUT REALLY forgetting Molly is not an Actual Real girl-child.

when i take off the pretty-things, the push-up bras and lacey things, the clothes that hide me from myself — when i strip off the disguise, I see myself. Probably more clear than I have in a long while. My body is not filled out like the shirts lie, ‘sexy’ like the cleavage and “fake” breasts lie. Abnormally flat and hidden bones under clever pairs of shorts and sweats that have known me in ‘better times’.

It’s a disguise for myself, to myself, that I often ignore all too greatly, that it startles me when i see - when i am able to see - it. How did you do this to yourself, girl? What pushed you so far, child? To become a child-figure of a woman.  Alien and foreign and nausea and new to the touch every day, a new angle a new curve a new worry.

Hidden in a bulk that lullabies your worries, that it is fine. To worry at night, and disregard during the day - to take your anger on your body and mind and cover it from yourself, and cry and shame yourself when others take notice. they can see it? or are they exaggerating? i can’t see it. but when i do, the sun is gone and people are asleep and no one wants to be woken up by a Something that might be a little mad. 

To just want to say I’m scared and don’t mean to , but I can’t stop. I hate it all and i can’t stop. And I hate the way it saps my life and makes me a monster and makes me a child and makes me nothing and I can’t stop. To hold me till it’s gone and I see the fear I need to see. To hold me and love me and please just love me for what I still am. I hope you see who I still am.

the point is, is that everyone has a soft heart, so be gentle and kind - - or at least quiet if you can’t do either the firsts. 

Read More

NO BUT I LOVE HOW PEOPLE DONT PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH (till they’re blue In the face) ABOUT SAYING SHIT THAT MIGHT TRIGGER SOMEONE OR UPSET SOMEONE AND JUST SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT TO PEOPLE THEY KNOW ARE SUFFERING JUST AS BADLY(?)

Just because someone doesn’t talk about their personal life and struggles DOESNT mean they aren’t affected by certain specifics just like YOU. Hello…..

I want to go on a movie date. A dreamers date. A faraway place laced with a good dream.

My body is really sore. I’m tired, and have a dentist appointment later..and it’s so tempting to just cancel and drive elsewhere.

The best thing is when I take a nap on Sundays after work and wake up with palps and my heart in my throat. That’s the bestttt.

What a day.